happy is wanted

between the lies and jokes..

which is the best to make things looks beautiful..?
im having a hard time to take one of it..
i smile like nothings wrong, but the paths i gone through no one will know perhaps..
saying "im fine" is always a common lies..
i really fed up of pretending myself..
how i wish i could tell "im not fine" boldly..
always wanted be a tough one or something like cold blooded being more than a weak nor fragile one..
always blaming myself wasn’t done perfectly in life..
in fact, i was a very extreme person..
have my days happy is my motto..

011110

011110.

January 11, 2010.

today’s date is a palindrome..

do something reverse-forward..

wear something reversible..

Uhh..

change

afterall..it just an empty shell..
goin to be 20 soon..
realise actually im not that grown..
dunno a single shit basic things in life..

been so long for living but i got learn nothing at all..
im a... nit say it all..
i would like to thanks to whoever willing to grab a knife and stab into me but without pain..

or can i ask for doomsday by tomorrow?

this feeling is totally unpleasant to me..

i never been fear this much..NEVER..
thought i can face everything well as it is a problem that is mean to solve..
but no matter how strong i think i am..
there always will be a bane that she is totally can help in it..

then only knew actually i was a failure..

not that strong but weak indeed..
im so lost now, frankly..been trembling for wondering..

dont wish things ruin up coz of me myself.. it aint worth..
sometimes i just dont know why im that chump..
i got many things to tell from my inner feeling..
i wish i could be an outspoken one..
so that it wont accumulate that much..
i dare to say i never fail my telepathy..

but now i lost the ability for a sudden..

and it cost me the time to figure out hard..

i hope it is no late to learn the ways of the world..

wait me kays, as im on my way to be a better girl..

a more intelligent sensible one..

thanks you..because of you..

i begin to know the world..

inside the nothing

i wonder why things will change in 180 degree in a second..
you take away my emotion..
you have no idea how deep of sadness had engulf me now..
but one trouble follows another, the burden is kind of insane stress..
my expression was blank, it did mean something to me..
i had no idea with your pm, i could feel something inside..
i hope that wasn't the most worst of it..it's gonna be okay..
try to comfort my mind my heart my emotion whatever that i used to be..
maybe, it wont be easy..
in fact it would be down right miserable to give up the hallucinations and try to be grown up..
the mood became more unstable..
it had affected the whole veins in the body included the words i use to speak..
he seem to be the tune of my thought now..controlled my every single cells..
the whole body froze into place as i realized how much alert of the thoughts..
maybe love shouldn't be such hard work..

knowing is better than wondering, waking is better than sleeping..

you know what..i never stop missing you as im still breathing..

im not

i dont know..

no matter was it that night things or what i have read..

it just a simply harsh to me..
i don't know whether am i too sensitive or what..

but this time was different..i felt i was a victim..

and i can feel my heart had been cut into half..

frankly, i care what they write what they say..

im saying that i was fine, but deep inside my tears i'll drown..
i never thought i was so worthless to them..
i can don't care what they say..

but i just can't stop care what you are thinking about me..

retrospection

i just realized something..

i screwed up things recently..
not to share..

not to expose the sadness..
dumb for tonight..